by
Norman Freeman

“Them binoculars are fierce powerful”

You can never get into a discussion or even an argument after a match without someone declaring that they had witnessed some controversial incident that nobody else had seen. Now the world of the see-all has been greatly enhanced by the growing use of binoculars at matches. “Oh I know exactly what happened - I had the field glasses rained on the goalie as the penalty was being taken.”

Binoculars have become a new trend among some spectators. They want to get a close up of the action, especially arguments and outbreaks of hostility. They want to try their skills at lip reading when four-letter words and curses are being flung here and there. Some like to feel close to the action, see the sweat running down the faces of the players, get a good view of the free taker settling his feet and rising the ball.

It helps that modern binoculars are small and compact. They can be thrust into the pocket of an anorak or indeed a woman’s handbag. Yet they are as powerful as the big Zeiss binoculars once used by hardy U-boat captains scanning the sea-horizon for both dangerous adversaries and potential prey.

The trouble is that some binocular users tend to be boastful about their extended vision. The Squinting Eye has been told about a fellow from Freshford declaiming in Mary Willie’s pub after a game. He is one of those who love to maintain they have extra knowledge or in this case, extra vision: “I was to only person in that whole crowd who spotted it. I had that fella in my sights and sure enough when all eyes were on the action at the far end of the field he gave his man a terrible dunt. Of course I missed the goal but you can’t keep your eye on everything.”

Another far-sighted fellow, from down around the Kilreekil area of east Galway, has a sour passion about poor umpiring. He claims to have lost a county championship medal because a point he scored was waved wide. As a result, he is a bit obsessed with umpires and uses his binoculars to get a close up of disputed scores: “Nobody but me could see that the umpire was looking at text messages on his mobile, cradled in the palm of his hand, just before that point floated high over the top of the post. I had been keeping a watch on the hoor him even before the game began.”

And one of the binocular brigade, from Castlelyons in Co Cork makes a point of scanning the dugouts to watch the behaviour of the manager and the mentors. He loves to see them become engaged in heated argument: “Oh Jaysus, a terrible row broke out between them. About who should be substituted. I was sure they’d come to blows. It was great gas - much better than the one-sided match itself. ”

The Squinting Eyehas been told that binoculars are not used just to keep a watchful and powerful eye on happenings on the field of play. Apparently, an attractive girl from the Rinn Gaeltacht was seated in the O Riain Stand in Thurles the day that Waterford unexpectedly walloped Clare in the first round of the Munster championship. Even before the game began she was carefully running the glasses over the rows of spectators seated in the O Cionnáin stand on the other side of the field. It transpired that she had a special interest in one man. She had hoped to be going to the game with him but he had fobbed her off with some excuse. However, she had an idea of where he would be sitting.

Sure enough, after some careful searching she saw his handsome face among the crowd. When she brought it forward into sharp focus she could see him smiling at a girl sitting next to him. The Rinn woman was greatly angered when she saw that the female attracting his attention was none other than her rival for his affections, a very forward lassie with bottle-black hair.

She couldn’t keep her binoculars off the two of them, even though Waterford were having a stunning, triumphant game against the hot favourites. When Dan Shanahan scored his first spectacular goal she saw her rival put her hand excitedly on the man’s knee. In the thundering excitement that culminated in Shanahan getting a second goal the cheeky girl put her hand on his inner thigh. As she did so, he smiled meaningfully at her, their faces close together.

The Rinn beauty shoved the binoculars into her handbag in disgust and said to her female friend and confidant, sitting beside her: “A dhiabhail, ní chuirfeadh mé a thuilleadh ama amú leis an mbuic sin!* As someone who loves sitting in the lovely flower garden of her parents’ home on the heights overlooking Dungarvan Bay she had an apt curse. ”Go searghtha an tsioc an boidín air amhail le gleorán lá Geimhridh!”** The two of them roared laughing and then she said: “Anois, is féidir liom féachaint ar an gcuid eile den chluiche ar mo sháimhín só.”***

Keep an eye out for the binocular people. You never know what you might see hear or learn!

Translation:
*“I won’t waste any more time chasing that fucker.”
**“May his penis wizen like a nasturtium after a hard frost.”
***“ Now I’m going to watch the rest of the game in comfort.”